|Tales to Tell: #Collected|

Writer: Anonymous

I was twelve years old when my mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, more specifically, paranoid schizophrenia. For those of you who are unaware, schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder characterized by distortions in thinking, perception, emotions, language, sense of self and behaviour. Common experiences include hallucinations – hearing voices or seeing things that are not there and delusions.

Here’s the thing about schizophrenia – it’s like a parasite; it slowly takes over the brain, feeds on its thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears and then, when it is powerful enough, its tentacles wrap around the person so tightly and consumes them so completely that before you know it, the person you loved is gone.

Initially, when the symptoms started to appear, my father and I almost gave into her delusions. We strained our ears and tried to hear the voices she kept talking about but we heard nothing. There was only silence. That’s when we realized that something was terribly wrong.

She was diagnosed a few months later and put on medication. But like most patients with schizophrenia, my mother refused to continue with her treatment and that’s when things took turn for the worse. The voices in her head grew louder, and everyone was out to get her.

I was instructed by all the adults in my family, including my father, to not talk about it outside my house. “Don’t mention this to your friends”– they said. It became the family secret.

So why am I talking about it now?

Schizophrenia didn’t just take my mother – it took a lot more. It cost me a normal relationship with my mother. It took away my chance at having an ordinary childhood. For years I was plagued with guilt, shame and loneliness. I coped with it the only way I knew I could, by repressing the bad memories and numbing the pain to distract myself from the sadness. Soon, it started affecting my mental health.

Five years ago I realized that I didn’t need to suffer in silence; that it was okay to talk about my experience. It was difficult but eventually I started confiding in my close friends and that actually helped.

If you are going through a similar experience, I hope this post helps you and makes you feel a little less alone in your struggle against this vicious illness.

If you know someone who is going through this – talk to them. Don’t offer them your sympathy. Don’t tell them things like “I am sorry that you have to go through this” – the last thing they need is pity. Just ask them how they are doing; they will probably say they are doing great and that’s a lie but ask them regardless. You can’t fix them or take away their pain but you can at least show them that you are there for them when they need you. A little compassion and empathy goes a long way.

As for me, I am still learning to deal with my issues, every single day. But now I have also learned to ask for help and that has made all the difference.

Depression-Invisibility.

Have any of you watched Fargo season 3? I am sure a lot of you have… Remember Gloria Burgle? The police officer investigating the Stussy murder? Yeah, her. She was pretty much a relatable character from the start. The way she felt invisible (and if you have watched the show you will know that it was both literal and metaphorical), I feel the same too. I am sure that some of us do…

                                                                   Photograph: FX

“Every time I make a call it’s like I’m in a silent movie.”
                                                              – Gloria Burgle.

Anyway, so the reason I chose to rant about it today was because of this new Sarahah trend. Not that anybody cares (because no one’s going read this anyway) but if you do want to know, it is an app where you can “leave constructive messages” for people anonymously. Now, my Facebook feed has been trending green since yesterday and these “constructive messages” mostly include rants from stalkers and crushes, unrequited lovers, compliments and hate. Quite a lot of hate.

                                                                         App Logo

Guilty as charged I did try and follow the trend too. I installed the app and created an account. I don’t really know what I was thinking, but I was bored, so I will use that as an excuse. Gradually the first hour passed and I received one sweet anonymous message – it got exciting. But however, by the second hour I realized that nobody was messaging me and unlike most people on my Facebook feed, nobody was really interested in me. A few more messages followed but obviously they were from friends I knew which obviously were not really anonymous, violating the purpose of the app entirely. I decided to remove my account and uninstall it this morning, because well, I am an insecure YA looking for validation.

What was really interesting about this experience (apart from the fact that it openly promotes hate) is the shout out to people who are popular or pretty or famous. Validating people who are already validated and sidelining people who are already sidelined. Making it more legit for people to feel nonexistent by highlighting the apparently existing . I am not saying that it is anybody’s fault that they are pretty or talented or famous but it is showing how unseen the unpopular side is that creates the problem. Studies have shown social media as a propagator   of depression, and maybe I should not have created an account knowing all of this, but then again, why should I not? I deserve to have “fun” in this game too? And so do all the others out there, like me. (In case you are wondering, the grapes are sweeter on the other side. A little hypocrisy in my opinion, I am aware but why not? I can look for validation in my own post at least. Can’t I?)

I do not know what to tell you guys, (the people who share my feelings I mean) because let’s be honest, you are not going to read this, but if you do, stay strong through this trend. It is just a trend like ‘confessions’ were a few months ago, and God, if you are anything like me you must’ve hated that too, but just like that one this too will pass. I know some of you are strong and you have immense faith in yourself. Some of you have iron clad self-belief and I look up to each one of you. But it is people like me who need to be boosted and need to be told and I am telling you, being one of you, that someday, just maybe, we will be happy with just ourselves or recognized for who we are. We will be seen. But today, my darling, is not your day, but till then please just stay strong. Love yourself even if you don’t want to. The day will pass and the night will too and you will move closer to your day, even if it is again, not today.

Depression – Suicide.

A world health day sub-genre.

Depression and its causes and effects have been a recurring topic of discussion this past year. I, for one, am glad that finally mental health is being talked about, without a hush, to the point that depression has become the theme of this year’s World Health Day. I am just here, putting forward some amateur incidents and open discussions about depression and its sub-genres hoping that it might help somebody out there to know that people still care.

So today I am going to discuss suicide. I will restrict myself to discussing adolescent and youth attempts at suicide because not only do I have insufficient knowledge about the other age groups, but I am also inclined towards this by the virtue of my age.

“A lot of you cared, just not enough.”
― Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

I have been watching Thirteen Reasons Why since last Sunday. Initially I hoped to binge watch it in a day because Hannah’s story felt important to me but as I proceeded I realized I don’t have it in my heart to hear Hannah talk about her own death all at once and I still have 4 episodes left. I am not going to go into the story but if my blog intrigues you in anyway, do give this show a watch or this book a read.

Growing up in a boarding school, I have witnessed self harm and attempted suicides quite closely. I will refrain from taking names not only to protect them but also because I could have misinterpreted or over analyzed a certain situation, again by the virtue of my maturity and age. Some of the earliest instances of self-harm witnessed by me, dates back to the time when I wasn’t even aware of the word ‘self-harm’. They were usually straight lines, slashed parallely across the arms length, inflicted by compasses or sharpeners or razor blades. It never occurred to me why someone would willingly go through that much pain but I do remember the trend spreading fast and rapidly to almost a pattern where several people resorted to this act for various reasons. I remember bleak rumours about people drinking liquid polish and phenol as well. I cannot vouch for its verity and in truth, it does not matter. The only reason why I have narrated these little vicious incidents is to tell you that for some reason or the other, most people our age, at some point of time have contemplated self-harm and suicide.

The more I grew up, I realized that so many of my close friends, inclusive of myself had started not only discussing but seriously considering its options, just in case. Even if keeping quiet about it felt normal then, it does not anymore because at this present moment, with so many broken hearts and souls, we the millennials, have already chalked out our end in case we fail or the pain gets unbearable.

“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

To be absolutely honest, despite of all the statistics and the first hand experiences on frustration and rejection, suicide as a topic of discussion has occupied my mind as late as last year. With excessive pressure and nervous breakdowns, depressions due to existential crisis and contemplation on death have become a part of today’s adolescent lives. This ruthless and brutal search for meaning and this plea for acceptance with social media constantly setting the bar have dismantled several views of simplicity. No, of course I am not here to bash social media and its effects, (though that might be a topic for later discussion) but today it is about the rapid decline of mental condition to the point where self-harm is more an action than contemplation.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage“.  –Seneca

Here is my cry to everybody who is having a bad day, just talk. Seek help if you think you need it. Google contacts of professionals who can help you instead of “ways to die a painless death”. Talk to a friend. Talk to a stranger. Reach out to anybody. Do something you like. Read a book, watch a movie, even brainless, meaningless ones will suffice. Eat what you love. Take a day off. Go shopping. Do nothing. Do anything. Just deviate yourself from those thoughts. The moment will pass and things will get better. It does. Always. It’s a cyclic pattern. Always remember, you are stronger than your demons. And it is okay to be proud of just surviving. You are your saviour and you are worth it.